


Exquisite Felt

by Gement



Category: BLUME Judy - Works, James Bond - All Media Types, The Muppet Show
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Accurate Depictions of Ableism, Animalistic Humans, Banned Together Bingo, Experimental Style, Exquisite Corpse, Gen, Inaccurate Cuba, Metafiction, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24316576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gement/pseuds/Gement
Summary: It's the Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, celebrity librarian Nancy Pearl! Yayyyyy! *kermit arms*Banned Together censorship prompts, as written by the Muppets in an Exquisite Corpse round-robin. In this variant of Exquisite Corpse, each player can only see the last sentence of the previous segment.Mayhem ensues. Obviously.[ABANDONED. I got three chapters filled and then Summer 2020 happened.]
Comments: 9
Kudos: 6
Collections: Banned Together Bingo 2020





	1. Preamble

**Executive summary:** Censorship bad, Muppets good. Onward!

* * *

**Long form:** This work is written for #bannedtogether2020 ([FAQ](https://bannedtogetherbingo2020.tumblr.com/faq)), because freedom of speech means no topic is off-limits to discuss or write about, even if it is offensive, traumatic, or glamorizing things that are illegal/immoral in real life. Every prompt is a reason that a piece of media has been challenged, removed from circulation, or blocked from publication.

I am participating to celebrate that AO3 is committed to providing a hosting service that does not discriminate on subject matter. As a librarian and as a fan who has witnessed multiple mass fic deletions by other hosting sites (which is their right as private businesses but is culturally destructive), I am intensely grateful to everyone who has built and maintained the Organization for Transformative Works.

* * *

**Warnings and navigation:** I'm also committed to tagging appropriately so people can make their own informed decisions on what they want to read. Tags will be added as I go, since I have until the end of the year to go for a complete card.

In addition to thorough work tagging, each chapter is titled with the prompt name. Any chapter with content that actually contains material worth an archive warning (Underage, Major Character Death, Graphic Violence) will have a star after the title, like this:

#### Chapter 5: Terrible things happen (*)

If the rating or warnings change, I will note that in the chapter summary of that update so folks have a clear notification. I consider it entirely possible that I'll manage a Muppet Blackout rated Teen. Wish me luck!

* * *

**My bingo card, so you know what you're getting into:**

[Image description: Banned Together 2020 Bingo card.  
Row 1: Menstruation, Sympathetic Villain, Inaccurate Cuba, Bondage & Murder, Morally Corrupt  
Row 2: Evolution, Accurate Depictions of Ableism, Explicit Orgasm, Weird Sex, Incites Revolt  
Row 3: "Fart" & "Farting", Gays Holding Hands, FREE SPACE, Pills & Lethal Injections, Fascism  
Row 4: Questionable, Exaggerates Poverty, Babykilling, Teen Pregnancy, Naughty Children  
Row 5: Sugarcoated Gay Story, "Biased" (Accurate) History, Equality, Vulgar Trash, Child Sexual Abuse]

[amended after this writing, which changed the wording of a few prompts]


	2. Animalistic Humans (Free Space)

Fozzie Bear checked the prop table in the green room for his whoopie cushion bagpipes and found something he didn't expect there. He picked up the bingo card. "Hey, what's this? It's got words all over it instead of numbers."

Janice looked over his shoulder. "Weird, man. Like, how would you play? Would they print the balls with"—she squinted at the card—"Morally Corrupt? Whoaaa."

Fozzie shook his head. "What the heck kind of game is this?"

Nancy Pearl, an older white woman dressed in her signature blue twin set, made her entrance. "It's not just a game, Fozzie. It's very serious."

"What is?" Robin the Frog asked. A small crowd of assorted Muppets gathered around.

"Everything on that card is a reason someone in charge thought you shouldn't get to read a book or watch a movie they didn't approve of," she said. "It's called censorship."

"That stinks," Robin said.

"It sure does," she agreed. "So this bingo card is a creative challenge. You try to make a bingo by creating stories or songs or drawings that include each of the elements in a line."

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew crowded in to look over Fozzie's shoulder. "Ooh, a Sympathetic Villain. I have had a story in mind about a misunderstood scientist—"

"Let me see that list." Sam the Eagle stormed in and grabbed the card. "Babykilling? Child Sexual Abuse? Inciting Revolt? I can't stand for this. It's un-American."

"Actually, it's a core American value! Right there in the First Amendment," Nancy said.

Sam gasped and put a wing over his heart. "But— But you can't just let people say _anything_."

"Not quite anything, but pretty close!" Nancy pried the card away from him. "Including you! You get to say you disagree with it, and you don't have to help them publish it. You just don't get to order them not to write or read it."

"Oh," Sam said stiffly. "Well… I disagree with it. In the strongest possible terms." He backed away.

"Did somevun say Babykilling?" Count von Count popped up from behind the table, startling everyone but Nancy. "Because there is a lot of that in Homestuck."

Everyone groaned. Bunsen said, "Count, scientifically speaking, there's a lot of everything in Homestuck."

"Yes! Yes! There is zo much in Homestuck! Let me tell you about Homestuck! There are zo many characters. First, there is John. Vun! Vun character! Then, there is--"

Kermit grabbed the vaudeville hook and dragged Count away, shouting, "Great, you're covering Homestuck! Who's next?"

Janice was looking at the card again. "There's, like, a lot of heavy stuff here, man. Sorta reminds me of Judy Blume. I mean, those books meant a lot to me, y'know?"

"Hmmm." Miss Piggy muscled her way in. "I shall stage a hard-hitting musical about the struggles of artists in the big city, featuring a Sugarcoated Gay Love Story. I get to die tragically, of course."

Kermit said, "And you'll let me see the script before it goes on stage! I still get to decide what makes the cut."

She turned on him. "And this'll make the cut if you know what's good for you," she snarled.

Kermit hid behind Nancy, who smiled. "It sounds like you're getting a writing group together," she said. "Anyone else?"

"Does standup count?" Fozzie asked.

"It does!"

"Dibs on 'Fart' & 'Farting', then. I gotta get writing."

"Can I see?" Robin asked.

"No!" Sam yelled. "No, no, no. I draw the line at exposing _children_ to this Vulgar Trash."

"It's true, not everything is appropriate for children," Nancy said. "They need an adult with judgment to help them make good media choices. Sam, are you Robin's parent or guardian?"

"... No."

Robin looked at Kermit. "Pleeeeeease, Uncle Kermit?"

Kermit sighed and read for a moment. "Good grief. I don't know, Robin. But you can at least look at the card, I guess."

Robin studied the card. "Oh, wow. I have so many ideas. I mean, a lot of stuff this bad happens in Lemony Snicket, and Prairie Dawn and Bean Bunny and I were already gonna get a Baudelaires cosplay together, and... Can I play? Please?"

Kermit squinched up his face. "Well. It's creative, at least. But we're going to look at what you write and talk about it, okay?"

"Okay! I gotta go talk to Dawn!" Robin dashed away, then stuck his head back in, panting. "No one take Pills & Lethal Injection, we need that one. And Naughty Children." He hopped off, leaving the group in a slightly stunned silence.

Kermit looked at the card glumly, then tilted his head. "Huh. Someone's penciled something in on the free square. Animalistic Humans. Do we count?"

Fozzie said, "I think of myself as more of a Humanist Animal. Hey, is there anything about atheism in there?"

Nancy said, "This conversation would count if someone wrote it down and published it." She winked at the fourth wall. "Here, let's make sure it counts." She picked up a pair of floppy white bunny ears from the prop table and put them on her head. "One animalistic human. Now, get writing."


	3. Inaccurate Cuba

_"Now, get writing."_

"Meep meep meep, M." James Bond hung up his super-secret spy phone, which did _not_ catch on fire or explode, and stared glumly out at the Bay of Pigs. He did not want to be cementing his cover as an international journalist covering Castro's latest plot to demolish freedom. He wanted to be hot on the trail of the mad genius, Dr. Melon Flambé.

Since he didn't have any leads on the reclusive technical wizard, an alternative preferred activity was watching the sows in bikinis frolic in the surf, their hides shining in the tropical sun. All of them were wearing either Panama hats or the little military caps, called kepi, which contrasted with their curves to make them more alluring.

On the beach, someone had set up an invention with a bellows for smoking 24 cigars at once, one for each bathing beauty, so they could meet their cigar quota without inhaling tobacco smoke, which is unhealthy. The apparatus did not explode or start any fires other than the cigars.

"Senór," said a sultry woman's voice from behind him. "I heard you were interested in... Science."

He turned to look at the woman. She wore a long, gauzy red sundress that clung to her body like an advanced technical polymer designed to cling to things. Her distinguished salt-and-pepper hair was almost hidden under her elegant broad-brimmed white hat with a red ribbon that exactly matched her dress and her lipstick. She also wore matching white sandals with red toenail polish.

"Mee-mee-MEEP meep."

She raised an elegant eyebrow at him. "I'm sure you say that to all the women, Mr. Journalist. Or should I say... Mr. Bond."

"Eeeep!"

"How I know doesn't matter. Follow me."

Bond followed the beautiful woman up from the beach to the dirt road. Parked in front of his stylish Aston Martin was a dusty car. The man sitting in the driver's seat wore a white linen suit and had an enormous mustache, just like every other man Bond had met in Cuba. The car did not have air conditioning. Bond sweated in the heat.

"Drive, Carlos," the woman purred.

"Sí, senorita," the driver said.

"My name is Paige Throomie," the woman said. Her personality was so magnetic that small metal objects might start sticking to her at any moment. "I was an astrochemibiologist working in Dr. Flambé's research laboratory, until he... went too far." She bit her lower lip, showing perfect white teeth. "I've found happiness as a yoga instructor and supermodel, but he wants me back. Will you help me, Mr. Bond?"

"Mee-mee-meep."

"James, then. Will you help me, James?"

He looked out the window of the car. As they drove into Havana, the light turned dusty gold. In the streets, barefoot peasants stood around and shouted at each other, sharing the outdoor market with pet chickens and the occasional goat. It looked unsanitary. "Mee MEEP mee-meep."

"Of course. I'll hold nothing back. Over dinner, then?"

"Mee-meep!"

"And, James? Wear your tuxedo. We're going out for Cuban sandwiches."


	4. Accurate Depictions of Ableism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ A few chapters I could not write funny. This is a not-funny chapter. In character, but not funny. ]

_"We're going out for Cuban sandwiches."_

"For sure, I'm there," Jannie said. "Just let me grab my backpack, 'kay?" She almost ran from the band practice room to her locker. She checked her ponytail and her lipstick in the mirror in the locker door. Everything looked good.

They took Lloyd's old VW bus to the diner. It didn't have seat belts and it smelled pretty bad, but it ran most of the time and could hold five people and a dozen instruments including a tuba. Jannie sat down in the back row of seats. She put her backpack on the seat where Zeke had spilled a whole soda. It was still way sticky.

She thought of a problem. "Like, do we have enough money for sandwiches? I don't wanna get kicked out again."

"We got it covered," Lloyd said. "And we got a gig out of it! The owner's asked us to play, and we can eat there for free."

"Wow," she said. She was pretty sure that wasn't the whole story. Hopefully they wouldn't get kicked out again.

They all sat down at the lunch counter. Jannie sat between Zeke and Andy. Andy craned his neck around. "Raaah," he said.

The rat behind the counter gave him a funny look. "What'll ya have?"

Smiley said, "Four Cubans, my good rat. And a veggie sub. Zeke's a vegetarian."

Zeke nodded.

"Cuban! Cuban!" Andy yelled.

A family of otters sat in a booth nearby. The pups laughed and shouted back. "Cuban! Cuban! Cuban!" The parents looked embarrassed and stared out the window like it wasn't happening.

The rat looked annoyed. He talked to Smiley, not to Andy. "Hey, tell Short Bus there to keep a lid on it, okay?"

"It will all be copacetic," Smiley said. He grinned.

"Hey, Andy," Jannie whispered. "Chill, mm-kay? We gotta be quiet."

Andy scrunched his head down into his neck and frowned. He had a hard time with quiet. Also, he could hear just fine, and he really did ride the short bus to school when he was younger. It was way uncool.

The otter pups were saying, "Raaaah!" and waving their heads around with their mouths open. The parents covered their faces with their paws.

Andy snuck a look and then turned to face them. He waved his head around too, grinning at them like he did. He whispered, "raaaah," very, very quietly.

"Check, please!" The adult otters started packing up to go. They hadn't eaten all of their food yet.

"Aw!" The bigger pup pouted. "Why do we hafta go?"

"We just do," the mama otter said. She stuffed both pups into their little coats and put money down on the booth table. "Come on, kids."

"Okay." The pups got up to follow. They waved at Andy. "Bye!"

"Bye-bye!" Andy roared. The pups giggled.

The rat slammed his order pad down on the counter. "That's it. Out."

"Like, what?" Jannie already knew what. They were getting kicked out again.

"Get him outta here. He's scarin' off the real customers. The rest of you can stay."

"No way, man." She put her hands on her hips. "If he goes, then we all go."

"Fine by me! Buncha freeloaders."

Jannie hopped down from her barstool. "C'mon, guys." Andy hopped down too. The other three stayed sitting. They looked awkward.

"We're pretty hungry," Lloyd said. "But tell you what, y'all wait in the bus and we'll bring you something."

"We'll pack ya a doggy bag!" The rat laughed at his own joke.

"Cuban! Cuban!" Andy was losing his temper.

"Come on, Andy," Jannie said. "This place has some serious negative energy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnd, then that was the last chapter I managed to finish before June Happened and I lost all momentum. A stirring explanation of where this was All Going in my head, next chapter, and that's all ze wrote.


	5. What a Daring Dream (PROJECT AMNESTY)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was going to be amazing, y'all.

**Exaggerates Poverty (Rent)**  
_"This place has some serious negative energy."_

"Thank you, Beauregard, but I didn't ask for your opinion." Miss Piggy surveyed the set, dissatisfied. "Let's get some more bare wood and metal in here."

...

* * *

The grand master plan was to toss the thread between 6 major stories, shown here as the highlighted sections (4 T-sections and 2 diagonals). 

* * *

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's spy thriller starring Beaker as James Bond and Nancy Pearl as the very attractive Paige Throomie.

  * Inaccurate Depictions of Cuba
  * Sympathetic Villain (first bingo!)
  * Explicit Orgasm
  * Bondage and Murder



_Highlights:_  
"Explicit Orgasm" - Our guest star opts out of participating in Explicit content, which leaves just Bunsen and Beaker to do something about the prompt. This will definitely involve Bunsen's extremely tenuous grasp of biology leading to a graphic pollen release that gets alllllll over Beaker.

The jilted Nancy comes back and wreaks vengeance at the end. Plot twist!

Music video pairing: Miike Snow's [Genghis Khan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_SlAzsXa7E)

* * *

Janice's heartfelt Judy Blume tribute about a teen musician and her friends.

  * Accurate Depictions of Ableism
  * Menstruation
  * Childhood Sexual Abuse
  * Teen Pregnancy



_Highlights:_  
Muppet Deadpool petitioned to make an appearance and unalive a sex offender in the third installment!

Music video pairing: Amanda Palmer's [Judy Blume](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_k02Waw4WXk)

* * *

Count von Count's numerological celebration of class and species tensions in Homestuck as acted out by Doozers, Fraggles, and Gorgs.

  * "Biased" (Accurate) History
  * Vulgar Trash
  * Babykilling
  * Equality



_Highlights:_  
The "vulgar trash" is in fact Madame Trash-heap making naughty jokes. Interspecies class strife, jokes about grubsauce and stairs.

* * *

"Unfortunate Events 451" collaboratively written and performed by Robin the Frog, Prairie Dawn, and Bean Bunny as the Baudelaires.

  * Fascism
  * Naughty Children
  * Pills & Lethal Injection
  * Incites Revolt



_Highlights:_  
The young writer-director-actors take their craft very seriously, and no one is going to stop them from realizing their artistic vision.

Gonzo as Count Olaf. Risk to Muppet life and limb. A whole lot of book burning.

* * *

Fozzie Bear's stand-up routine.

  * Gays Holding Hands
  * Evolution
  * "Fart" and "Farting"
  * Questionable



_Highlights:_  
I frankly hadn't figured out how to cope with this one yet, but the guest star was going to be ALL OVER IT. It would probably be at fault when the walls between strict turn order and various people's plots all started to break down.

* * *

Miss Piggy's shameless Rent rip-off.

  * Exaggerates Poverty
  * Weird Sex
  * Sugarcoated Gay Story
  * Morally Corrupt



_Highlights:_  
There was gonna be filk. People would literally end up covered in sugar, and the closing number after the entire show structure devolved into chaos would be a filk of La Vie Boheme using words and prompts from as much of the rest of the story as possible.

* * *

Alas, 2020 just kept being itself, and I went and wrote a bunch of Superbat smut instead. And a pretty great [ghost story about Superman](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27905572). Maybe next year!


End file.
